A trip to Barnes and Nobel
…So after a wondeful Pei Wei lunch of spicy chicken wraps and Spicy Chile Oil Soup, I decided to venture over to the exceedingly large and overly capitalized bookseller in search of some free reading and a triple espresso. Once in the belly of the beast, i thumbed through the countless listings of genre’s in the establishment. Psudo-cult film studies? Who actually classifies these novels? It must some anonymous Gilligan in the back that is fed nothing but plain rice and starves himself to obtain an “artist image” (Wow) and then poisons the bookstore with ridiculous psudointellectual bullshit. So as a stroll amongst the seemingly endless shelves of books and novels I am blown away at the costs of these books. 39.95? Who spends more then 20$ on a book? (Other then the artsy anonymous Gilligan of course). I find myself being drawn to the red center of this establishment, teaming with people (the other sections were barren and dusty). I suddenly realize why… Yay for the Bargain Books section. After thumbing through many different selections I come across a book that has cataloged the past 50 years of the Playboy enterprise…and its in pictures. Immediately i retrieve the over sized coffee table book. When I say over size i dont mean slightly larger then other books, I mean a hardcover coffee table book that can be compared only to the width of my chest times 2. Curious to see it’s contents, I sit on the floor of the busy walkway and open the book to explore its finer points. That is when the shit hits the fan. Some Gertrude of sorts in her tennis shorts and rediculous visor, eyes me and gives me a very dirty look. She is about ten feet away from me and pushing a stroller of an overly caffeinated young boy and young girl. The children must be about 5-7 yrs ish. Without recognizing the fact that I am looking through a book showcasing the most beautiful women in Playboy history BUTTASS NAKED, the pompous Gertrude pushes the stroller in front of me and the book. The little boy looks into the book and yells “Mommy Whats that book?” Before the mother can respond seeing as we have caught eyes and she has just realized what her young son has seen, (a naked pose of Pamela Anderson), the little girl looks over her brother and starts hysterically screaming and crying at the top of her lungs. The mother looks down at me with a level of shock and disappointment and I am frozen staring back at the mother with a complete look of surprise and a smirk because the situation is just THAT funny. A few seconds have passed and the mother has now moved the stroller away and is trying to console her young daughter (who is still screaming hysterically at the top of her lungs). In the process, the screaming has attracted a small circle of people that were curious of the streaking screams. They all watch with disgust as I pick up the huge book with the playboy symbol outstretched on the cover in neon pink as the girl continues to shriek. Right when I finally feel this episode is over and many are staring at me returning the book to its rightful location, the little boy from the stroller comes running over behind me and grabs the book. I try to hold onto it but it falls onto the ground opening to the center of the entire book with the naked picture of gross and manly Chyna Doll spread naked and seductively the two exposed pages. The boy gets on his knees to better examine the picture as I quickly lean over to close the book and put it away. Mind you, the people in the walkway are staring at the situation with disgust. As soon as I have the book and am closing it, the mother of the child, Having quelled the screaching of the young daughter, catches me and a moment that looks like both me and her 5 yr old son are examining the nether regions of the wwf superstar, CHYNA Doll. I close the book and put it up as she stares at me. Regardless of all the people staring in silence at me and a mother glaring at me like i am some flamboyant pervert, I cant help but laugh to myself as I shamefully replace the book on the upper shelf of the bargain Aisle. The mother grabs her son by the hand and he says outloud ” Mommy! I want that book.” She doesnt reply, im guessing after she has no idea what to say. Once she turns the corner of the Aisle to return to the stroller and her now silent daughter the little boy erupts into a tantrum screaming ” I want that, I want that book so bad” I quickly leave the area before I cause more damage. On the way out I pick up an Edgar Allen Poe leather bound hardcover complete works for 9 bucks. Well at least this adventure wasn’t a total disaster. Well someday I will have children and Boy will Karma be cruel…
